Briana's Third Birthday

Briana...

Just her name makes me cry. I cry because I love her. I cry because I miss her. I cry because I just want to see her and hold her again. I pull into the Incarnation Cemetery where she is buried and immediately my eyes are watering and that lump is crawling up into my throat. It just is always going to be that way. And that is OK with me. I have stopped trying to wonder when/how things will change and now just accept it for what it is. My beautiful beloved firstborn is in Heaven. Really, she is pretty fortunate. There are days that I wouldn't mind joining her.

Dirk and I celebrated Briana's 3rd Birthday this week. It was the first time ever that we didn't celebrate it on the 21st and that was really hard on me. We chose Friday because we had help with the kids and I had the time that I wanted to give to our little girl. It was nice to remember and talk about her. We left her 3 roses, I for each year and looked at her scrapbook. It is so hard to have loved and lost so much. 

I just love where we buried Briana. It is quaint and peaceful. It has a pond with a path around it. There is a fountain in the middle and weeping willows that blow in the breeze. Briana is buried under a tall pine tree, this is where Dirk and I will be as well. I love the small little chapel like building and the benches.

I love everything about it...except that Briana is there. Then came Saturday morning and once again God just met me where I was. I am doing a bible study with 2 dear friends and Beth Moore's   session was about how God brings beauty from the ashes. He was speaking directly to me. Basically whatever we suffer here on earth is 10 minutes compared to eternity. We are doubly blessed for whatever loss He allowed. I will take doubly blessed even though I don't know what that looks like, it sounds amazing. 

Beth just confirmed that not everything happens for a reason but that God can (and will) if we are open to it, use all things to glorify Him. He may let certain things happen because He will use it to glorify Him, further the kingdom or lead us to our calling. Just let that soak in for a while...

What a beautiful addition to Briana's story and her legacy. I pray my passion/purpose/calling in life is refined by my daughter.  Precious Briana, I am selfish and really want you here, but know Heaven is far better. For now I will remember and wait...see you soon little one.

 

Evalyn

It is hard to believe my sweet little peanut is almost 4 months old! Time has gone by so quickly and at the same time it's hard to remember life without her. She really is a momma's girl which I am loving (except when I need to take a shower or go grocery shopping). I can totally see why parents spoil their youngest child, I just don't want her to grow up! Yet as an oldest and because I adore Beckham so much I am going to do my best to ensure they are treated fairly.

Some of her favorites (and mine) right now are:

1. legwarmers - the brighter and crazier the better!
2. breastfeeding - the bottle isn't going so great and the poor grandma's are having to suffer
         through some tears.
3. The Moby - it really is the best place to take naps (besides our bed)
4. Bathtime- she splashes and smiles the entire time. Maybe she is going to be a little fish like I was
          and Beckham is.
5. Talking and shouting - she makes these high pitched sounds all the time, it's gotten really loud
6. Sucking on shoulders- I call it "the mark of Evalyn". It's proof that you've held her
7. Her Tiny Love Mobile - Even when she is grumpy she will be hypnotized by this miracle for
          about 10 minutes (just enough time for Momma to get ready).
8. Beckham  - he is definately one of my favorites too! She loves just watching him play and he
          has been kissing her and bringing her balls to play with. They sat together on his chair
          today, adorable pictures coming soon!
9. Bows - I just can't get enough and thank God she still has some hair to put them in
10. Attention- poor second child is thrilled when someone smiles and talks with her.

She is able to push herself up with her arms when she is on her tummy and has discovered her hands. Although not a fan of tummy time she is getting better and much stronger. Last week we tried the Bumbo and both Evalyn and Beckham has been enjoying it. I just LOVE being a mommy to a little boy and little girl. It really is the best and I am often overwhelmed with all I have been blessed with.

Apple Orchard

Here are a few of my favorite shots from Emma Krumbees. We spent last Sunday morning there and Beckham had a blast!