Before...

Anyone who has gone through something tragic has probably changed. Some changes are easy to see and some just slowly easy into who you have become that you don’t even notice, you just know you are different. You can feel it deep within your heart. Maybe the hole in your heart causes the difference? Maybe there just isn’t room for the person you used to be anymore because that hole takes up so much of the room now.

I don’t really know, I just know it’s different and I am different.


I don’t think I could have survived the death of my daughter and remained the same person, that sensitive to things. So somehow I had to adapt and slowly I have learned to “do life” in a new way.

It’s strange, I seem to think of things as BEFORE and AFTER. I wonder if everyone marks their life by such an event, maybe a marriage, a job choice, a disease, a move, a birth, a death. I think of people who knew me BEFORE and wonder what they think of me when they see me now (what is left of me) and what they say when I leave. I feel sorry for people who have met me AFTER for they get such a small piece of Heather, just a glimpse of who I used to be. I often think, “If you only knew what you are missing out on, I used to be pretty fun and laugh a lot more.” But I am not going to say I am sorry for who I have become because somethings you don’t chose they just happen and somehow you have to continue on as the new and not-as-good you. So, here I am, and this is how I have “made it” so far. Sorry if that is a disappointment, it doesn’t even surprise me if it is…it’s just who is left…part of me.

I was talking with an amazing friend today, the kind of friend that put my tiny stupid needs in front of her massive ones (I love you). Who had the courage to tell me in love that she sees the joy missing from my life she used to see. She’s right…so here is my prayer for today.

JOY & LAUGHTER – The kind that overflows in massive amounts and bubbles out of me (even at the wrong times) like it used to. I can’t even remember what that felt like.

PEACE & RESTORATION – I am weary and tired. God restore me like only you can do.

HEALING – I don’t even know what that looks like…just missing my girl today

HEALTHY BABIES – for me, for my family and for my friends

SUNSHINE- doesn’t that make everyone feel better?