Briana's Third Birthday

Briana...

Just her name makes me cry. I cry because I love her. I cry because I miss her. I cry because I just want to see her and hold her again. I pull into the Incarnation Cemetery where she is buried and immediately my eyes are watering and that lump is crawling up into my throat. It just is always going to be that way. And that is OK with me. I have stopped trying to wonder when/how things will change and now just accept it for what it is. My beautiful beloved firstborn is in Heaven. Really, she is pretty fortunate. There are days that I wouldn't mind joining her.

Dirk and I celebrated Briana's 3rd Birthday this week. It was the first time ever that we didn't celebrate it on the 21st and that was really hard on me. We chose Friday because we had help with the kids and I had the time that I wanted to give to our little girl. It was nice to remember and talk about her. We left her 3 roses, I for each year and looked at her scrapbook. It is so hard to have loved and lost so much. 

I just love where we buried Briana. It is quaint and peaceful. It has a pond with a path around it. There is a fountain in the middle and weeping willows that blow in the breeze. Briana is buried under a tall pine tree, this is where Dirk and I will be as well. I love the small little chapel like building and the benches.

I love everything about it...except that Briana is there. Then came Saturday morning and once again God just met me where I was. I am doing a bible study with 2 dear friends and Beth Moore's   session was about how God brings beauty from the ashes. He was speaking directly to me. Basically whatever we suffer here on earth is 10 minutes compared to eternity. We are doubly blessed for whatever loss He allowed. I will take doubly blessed even though I don't know what that looks like, it sounds amazing. 

Beth just confirmed that not everything happens for a reason but that God can (and will) if we are open to it, use all things to glorify Him. He may let certain things happen because He will use it to glorify Him, further the kingdom or lead us to our calling. Just let that soak in for a while...

What a beautiful addition to Briana's story and her legacy. I pray my passion/purpose/calling in life is refined by my daughter.  Precious Briana, I am selfish and really want you here, but know Heaven is far better. For now I will remember and wait...see you soon little one.