September 21

The day Briana was born. The day I got to hold my baby girl in my arms. The day my dreams and hopes and part of my heart was shattered. The day Briana died. The day that i don't hold the tears in. The day I let my memories flood my mind and I just remember. I remember the joy and the amazement of seeing the little girl that Dirk and I created. I remember certain things that Dirk and my mom said that will forever make me cry. I remember the overwhelming feeling of having and losing my first child in the same day. I remember having to leave her at the hospital. So much joy and so much pain...

Every year I dread and can't wait for Briana's Birthday. Dirk and I spend part of the day at the cemetery and read her birthday cards. I write here a letter and we release balloons to our little girl. This year we had Beckham there to celebrate with us and he was in a great mood, maybe God knew we needed a little something to lift our hearts. You can see from the photos he was all smiles and giggles, I think Briana would have loved his joy on her special day.

We finally have a memorial for Briana and my favorite part are her little footprints. In a way they say, "I was here too!" We measured Beckham's feet with hers and his are already so huge!

Thank you for the love, cards, flowers, hugs, and emails that so many of you have shared with us. We know that Briana's memory touches so many of you. Thank you for remembering with us.

Shoes - author unknown

Maybe it's the time of year...Sept. 21 will be Briana's 2 year anniversary, I am not sure. She's just been on my heart lately. I saw this poem on another woman's blog and could relate. Wish I had some great photos of shoes to add to the post, maybe I will get them at the state fair tomorrow!

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Before...

Anyone who has gone through something tragic has probably changed. Some changes are easy to see and some just slowly easy into who you have become that you don’t even notice, you just know you are different. You can feel it deep within your heart. Maybe the hole in your heart causes the difference? Maybe there just isn’t room for the person you used to be anymore because that hole takes up so much of the room now.

I don’t really know, I just know it’s different and I am different.


I don’t think I could have survived the death of my daughter and remained the same person, that sensitive to things. So somehow I had to adapt and slowly I have learned to “do life” in a new way.

It’s strange, I seem to think of things as BEFORE and AFTER. I wonder if everyone marks their life by such an event, maybe a marriage, a job choice, a disease, a move, a birth, a death. I think of people who knew me BEFORE and wonder what they think of me when they see me now (what is left of me) and what they say when I leave. I feel sorry for people who have met me AFTER for they get such a small piece of Heather, just a glimpse of who I used to be. I often think, “If you only knew what you are missing out on, I used to be pretty fun and laugh a lot more.” But I am not going to say I am sorry for who I have become because somethings you don’t chose they just happen and somehow you have to continue on as the new and not-as-good you. So, here I am, and this is how I have “made it” so far. Sorry if that is a disappointment, it doesn’t even surprise me if it is…it’s just who is left…part of me.

I was talking with an amazing friend today, the kind of friend that put my tiny stupid needs in front of her massive ones (I love you). Who had the courage to tell me in love that she sees the joy missing from my life she used to see. She’s right…so here is my prayer for today.

JOY & LAUGHTER – The kind that overflows in massive amounts and bubbles out of me (even at the wrong times) like it used to. I can’t even remember what that felt like.

PEACE & RESTORATION – I am weary and tired. God restore me like only you can do.

HEALING – I don’t even know what that looks like…just missing my girl today

HEALTHY BABIES – for me, for my family and for my friends

SUNSHINE- doesn’t that make everyone feel better?