As much as I hate it, it DID happen and it DOES happen.
I hear of people "giving up" Facebook for one reason or another and I really don't see that as an option for me. I have been contacted so many times from Facebook Friends that have lost a baby or know someone who did and want my advice. That is why I am posting this on our blog. I am hoping it can be a place that I an send people who ask me what helped me and still does.
I want you to know that every time I hear your stories I cry. I cry for the babies that they want to bring home and watch grow up. I cry because they love them so much and wanted a lifetime to show them just how much. I cry for the hole in their hearts that will just be a part of who they are until they join their babies in heaven. It gets better, the rawness softens but it never goes away. I will never be the same and neither will they.
On September 21 it will be 4 years ago that I lost my firstborn. My precious little Briana Joy died at 37 weeks. I had a day to hold my baby, took a few pictures and planned a memorial service. Here we are:
There are so many things you can say/do/purchase for someone who is grieving. I am going to share what helped me the most and specifically for someone who is pregnant and knows their baby is going to die, has a stillborn or has a baby that dies as a newborn. My sweet Briana is in the arms of Jesus and He carried Dirk and I through this time. Without Him I have NO IDEA how someone goes through the loss of a child. I wrote scripture everywhere and family/friends burned CDs of encouragement for me to listen to. Our hearts were broken and God was holding them.
Things to do:
1. Bring Food- Our closest friends came to our house and made dinner, ate with us and just cried together. Neighbors and coworkers dropped off tons of meals and then just left. I remember hiding in the bathroom while they dropped it off. I just wasn't ready to see or talk to anyone yet.
2. Don't Judge- I didn't talk to most people (even my sister or BFFs) for 2 weeks. My voicemail was full and I just couldn't listen to it. It was too sad. Please still call or email and let them know you are sad with them. Don't be mad, sad or disappointed in anything they do or say. It is probably all they can do just to get through right now so be OK with that. It is a real chance to be selfless and serve someone when they need it.
3. Remember - Say their baby's name (even if they tear up). It makes us feel special that you remembered. Remember us on Mother's Day, 1st Christmas, Due Dates, the date the baby died, whatever seems to be important to the family. It makes a hard day special. Ask to see pictures of their baby if they are comfortable showing you.
4. Write it down- I got a ton of cards when Briana died. There were a few where people told me how I had changed their life. They shared things they admired about me, things they saw that God had gifted me with and ways God has used me in their life. I reread their cards over and over on my dark days as a reminder that He is good and will use me again.
5. Don't say "Everything Happens for a Reason"- What reason does God has for taking a baby...really?!?!? Instead God can use ANYTHING for good! Also, it is OK not to know the answer for everything with regards to God. Don't say "I will pray for you" instead pray for them. Hold them tight and whisper your prayers into their ears. They will be blessed.
6. Give them something. I loved when someone took the time to give me something to remember Briana. I will list a few ideas that we have around our house:
Christmas ornaments (my sister gets one for her every year)
A star named after her
Statues of angels
A Tiffany and Co bracelet from BFs to remember I am not alone
I wear a ring with Briana's birthstone in it on my right hand
A necklace with two hearts
A guardian angel necklace a friend wore since she was 16
Recently a friend gave me one of the mommy necklaces (silver stamped with everyones names on them)
and she had one with 3 circles (Briana, Beckham and Evalyn)
Here are some resources and links:
www.missinggrace.org is an amazing organization with support groups and online support as well they have a walk every September that TEAM BRIANA participates in. They plan memorial services, do photos, Candy is a friend of mine and runs Missing Grace. She is wonderful.
www.preginst.com Dr. Jason Collin's website. He does fetal monitoring for women who have lost a baby due to a cord accident. We have used him for both Beckham and Evalyn.
www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com This is her blog about the daughter she lost. I Will Carry You by Angie Smith (this is her book). If you do anything (besides pray) for someone GET THEM THIS BOOK!!!!! Read it yourself and have their family and friends read it. It will change your life and your relationship with God.
www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org They are professional photographers who will take pictures of their babies for free. Have them take TONS of photos!
Practical Things:
Memory Boxes - places to put what they will have left of their baby
Memorial/Funeral Planning - I had a friend that called around to local cemeteries and found places that had "baby areas" and family plots. She found out the contact person's name and information. It made our part much easier.
Housework- my mom moved in with us for a few weeks. To be honest that time is such a blur I have no idea how long she lived with us. All I know is besides holding me when I cried she did all of our laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, EVERYTHING. All Dirk and I had to do was survive. My mom is pretty amazing and not everyone is going to have a mom that does that for them. So if you can help with the little things do it.
So in a nutshell here goes...
When a baby dies:
PRAY
REMEMBER
PRAY
GIVE GRACE
PRAY
SERVE
PRAY
CRY
Everyone cried. The doctors that I called on cried. The nurses that took care of me cried. My tough norwegian grandma cried. Strangers that hear my story cry. It is sad and there is something horrible and wonderful about being in a place so low and so tender that only God can fill you.
If you came here searching for yourself or for a friend this is my prayer for you:
God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3
He will. He always does. He is faithful. He loves you.
