Blessings 101-110

As always, today is Monday so I join www.aholyexperience.com and count my blessings.

Spring is finally here and green grass is sprinkling my lawn. My neighbors are coming out of their homes after the long winter hibernation. I am not a "True Northerner" actually I really feel my heart is still in the south. We are here in Minnesota because our best friends are here and our families are here. We really want our babies to be surrounded by their grandparents, aunties and uncles while they are little. We never close doors so if God offers us an amazing opportunity somewhere warm we will be open to it.

All of this leads me to the say that I am not a huge fan of spring. I don't love the mud puddles and dry brown vegetation. I don't love the freezing cold wind and still having to wear my fleece. Don't get me wrong, it is SO MUCH better than winter. You just won't find me in my shorts washing my car when it is 52 degrees out. It just makes me restless for the days where we won't have to wear coats and winter hats anymore. It is coming right?

So in the midst of my better than winter but still waiting for better here are my blessings. There are always blessings. Sometimes we search and sometimes they are so obvious. But there are ALWAYS here:

101. For Evlayn's giggle and stick straight legs on the swings. I have just got to get a video of that. She cracks me up.

102. For encouraging words and new visitors to the blog. Thank you for letting me share my heart with you and for sharing yours with me.

103. For a a relaxing day with Nana Pat and Bapa Jim on Saturday and laughing at childhood memories.

104. For Addison Road.  If you haven't listened to her music it just might make you dance to Jesus and sing your heart out to Him.

105. For Beckham starting to understand Briana. He now can say "Briana, sister with Jesus".  It's a start at least.

106. For sweet juicy watermelon

107. Dirk- my pro kitchen cleaner. What a precious gift you give me on a daily basis.

108. Two huge front teeth and lots of smiles to show them off.

109. As Beckham says, "Potty coming out in toliet" a few more times everyday!

110. The joy as Dirk shares his love for hockey with Beckham for the first time. Thank you Grandma Ghlee and Grandpa Bob for helping with the kids!

More Posts???

I am debating spending a little more time blogging. Maybe expanding beyond just a "Mommy blog" and dipping into a hybrid? Who knows?

I would love to have something more routine.

Maybe:

Monday- Keep counting my blessings with aholyexperience.com

Tuesday- "Tuesday's Tips" where I share things I have been making (headbands, legwarmers, cards, etc) or things I want to make (links to other people's sites)

Wednesday- "Wordless Wednesday" Dirk and I are trying to read the bible in a year. I am would love to post a photo and a verse from our reading during the week.

Thursday- "Thursday's Things" I LOVE to do research and review things. Kids sunscreen, bike trailers, kid's activities, carseats, mascara, nailpolish, books, blogs ANYTHING  and EVERYTHING! I would love to share what I am looking into and most of all get your feedback to find out what you are using/loving/hating right now.

Friday - "Family Friday" - Maybe a family update, maybe an activity coming up, maybe a funny quote from the week, who know's. This "mommy blogger' just has to keep posting photos of her little babes.

I am thinking about adding a day a week? Would you be interested? Would you read them? Which ones?  Do you read any of them :)

If you have an opinion please leave a comment. I would love to know what you are thinking.

BTW- Even though I am still wearing a fleece and a vest, I think spring may be here!

Blessings 91-100

91. God's healing touch on little Evalyn after a week of illness
92. That He protected the rest of us from getting it
93. My company- they flew me home, first class, early from training to be home with my baby. I feel taken care of.
94. For the warm spring wind awaking my soul to new life
95. For reading books in hidden places
96. For being a mom of living children and Briana. God has used it to bond me to so many women
97. For the cookie bouquet. Beckham loves the "Heavy Cookies" they just fill me with joy. Thank you precious little Owen.

98. For crawling, laughing and cuddling time with my little man on Saturday. He just captivates me.

99. For sailor suits and knicker sets waiting to be worn.

100. For Briana, for God trusting me to tell her story and to hold the tender hearts of others as He heals them. 

When a Baby Dies

I hate having to write that as the title. I hate that it happened to us. I hate when I get emails or messages from friends on Facebook that it happened to them.

As much as I hate it, it DID happen and it DOES happen.

I hear of people "giving up" Facebook for one reason or another and I really don't see that as an option for me. I have been contacted so many times from Facebook Friends that have lost a baby or know someone who did and want my advice. That is why I am posting this on our blog. I am hoping it can be a place that I an send people who ask me what helped me and still does.

I want you to know that every time I hear your stories I cry. I cry for the babies that they want to bring home and watch grow up. I cry because they love them so much and wanted a lifetime to show them just how much. I cry for the hole in their hearts that will just be a part of who they are until they join their babies in heaven. It gets better, the rawness softens but it never goes away. I will never be the same and neither will they.

On September 21 it will be 4 years ago that I lost my firstborn. My precious little Briana Joy died at 37 weeks. I had a day to hold my baby, took a few pictures and planned a memorial service. Here we are:

There are so many things you can say/do/purchase for someone who is grieving. I am going to share what helped me the most and specifically for someone who is pregnant and knows their baby is going to die, has a stillborn or has a baby that dies as a newborn. My sweet Briana is in the arms of Jesus and He carried Dirk and I through this time. Without Him I have NO IDEA how someone goes through the loss of a child. I wrote scripture everywhere and family/friends burned CDs of encouragement for me to listen to. Our hearts were broken and God was holding them.

Things to do:

1. Bring Food- Our closest friends came to our house and made dinner, ate with us and just cried together. Neighbors and coworkers dropped off tons of meals and then just left. I remember hiding in the bathroom while they dropped it off. I just wasn't ready to see or talk to anyone yet.

2. Don't Judge- I didn't talk to most people (even my sister or BFFs) for 2 weeks. My voicemail was full and I just couldn't listen to it. It was too sad. Please still call or email and let them know you are sad with them. Don't be mad, sad or disappointed in anything they do or say. It is probably all they can do just to get through right now so be OK with that. It is a real chance to be selfless and serve someone when they need it. 

3. Remember - Say their baby's name (even if they tear up). It makes us feel special that you remembered. Remember us on Mother's Day, 1st Christmas, Due Dates, the date the baby died, whatever seems to be important to the family. It makes a hard day special. Ask to see pictures of their baby if they are comfortable showing you.

4. Write it down- I got a ton of cards when Briana died. There were a few where people told me how I had changed their life. They shared things they admired about me, things they saw that God had gifted me with and ways God has used me in their life. I reread their cards over and over on my dark days as a reminder that He is good and will use me again.

5. Don't say "Everything Happens for a Reason"- What reason does God has for taking  a baby...really?!?!? Instead God can use ANYTHING  for good! Also, it is OK not to know the answer for everything with regards to God.  Don't say "I will pray for you" instead pray for them. Hold them tight and whisper your prayers into their ears. They will be blessed.

6. Give them something. I loved when someone took the time to give me something to remember Briana. I will list a few ideas that we have around our house:

Christmas ornaments (my sister gets one for her every year)

A star named after her

Statues of angels

A Tiffany and Co bracelet from BFs to remember I am not alone

I wear a ring with Briana's birthstone in it on my right hand

A necklace with two hearts 

A guardian angel necklace a friend wore since she was 16

Recently a friend gave me one of the mommy necklaces (silver stamped with everyones names on them)

       and she had one with 3 circles (Briana, Beckham and Evalyn)

Here are some resources and links:

www.missinggrace.org       is an amazing organization with support groups and online support as well they have a walk every September that TEAM BRIANA participates in. They plan memorial services, do photos, Candy is a friend of mine and runs Missing Grace. She is wonderful.

www.preginst.com            Dr. Jason Collin's website. He does fetal monitoring for women who have lost a baby due to a cord  accident. We have used him for both Beckham and Evalyn.

www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com   This is her blog about the daughter she lost.  I Will Carry You by Angie Smith (this is her book).   If you do anything (besides pray) for someone GET THEM THIS BOOK!!!!! Read it yourself and have their family and friends read it. It will change your life and your relationship with God.

www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org    They are professional photographers who will take pictures of their babies for free. Have them take TONS of photos! 

Practical Things:

Memory Boxes - places to put what they will have left of their baby

Memorial/Funeral Planning - I had a friend that called around to local cemeteries and found places that had "baby areas" and  family plots. She found out the contact person's name and information. It made our part much easier.

Housework- my mom moved in with us for a few weeks. To be honest that time is such a blur I have no idea how long she lived with us. All I know is besides holding me when I cried she did all of our laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, EVERYTHING. All Dirk and I had to do was survive. My mom is pretty amazing and not everyone is going to have a mom that does that for them. So if you can help with the little things do it.

So in a nutshell here goes...

When a baby dies:

PRAY

REMEMBER

PRAY

GIVE GRACE

PRAY

SERVE

PRAY

CRY

Everyone cried. The doctors that I called on cried. The nurses that took care of me cried. My tough norwegian grandma cried. Strangers that hear my story cry. It is sad and there is something horrible and wonderful about being in a place so low and so tender that only God can fill you.

If you came here searching for yourself or for a friend this is my prayer for you:

God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.  -  Psalm 147:3

He will. He always does. He is faithful. He loves you.

Blessings 81-90 and Too Many Pictures

I have a cast on my arm due to cyst surgery last Friday on my wrist. Typing isn't very fun but I can still take and edit photos so I choose to do Blessings 81-90 and maybe more in photos. OK, I HAVE to put down a few in words...

81. B sleeping in his big boy bed so Mama doesn't  have to reach into the crib! No big deal so far!
82. My parents for all the help. I have figured out that I will NEVER be able to express my thankfulness for you and all that you do for us. You wash my hair, make my food and take care of the kids with joy. It just shows...

83. Dirk, a one armed wife just isn't as good as a 2 armed one. Thank you for picking up the slack when I can't
84. For sisters who drive and worry at hospitals
85. For mother-in-laws who double as weather ladies, chefs and nannies
86. For counterparts who pick up lunches and drive me to appointments
87. For a girl and a dog

88. For the beautiful natural light showing off my sweetheart's delicate features.

 89.  For Bubba and his expressions. Each twist of his mouth, tear in his eye and dimple in his chubby cheek reminds me of deep my love is for him and how deep HIS love is for me.

90. For my redemption, my little girl and that she is still too little to care that I make silly hats for her.

I guess I can't give up typing, it just takes me a little longer.

Psalm 3:3 "Thou O Lord are a shield about me, you're my glory. You're the lifter of my head."

Wow! That brings me back to Vespers...

Blessings 71-80

71. For time to sew all the little girl things I have been dreaming about.

72. For "Mommy poopie over there!" while cleaning up after the dogs today. Such an enthusiastic helper!

73. For my ladies night last week, warm cheese fondue, Riesling, encouragement and understanding.

74. For the way her eyes flutter and she gives one last smile before giving up to sleep.

75. For eating chicken fingers, chinese casserole and lo mein...PRAISE GOD!!!!!

76. Time with Dirk and the dreams we share

77. For giving up and letting Him take over.

78. For moments I sneak in to watch them sleep. The special secret times I still get to witness.

79. Billie and Hugo, my low-maintenance, tolerant loving  pups.

80. These smiles...every day every minute these smiles.

Blessings 61-70

On Sunday we dedicated Evalyn to God. I was pretty emotional. My precious little girl, my sweet handsome little boy and giving them both to God...again. As a parent I feel like I am constantly offering up their tiny souls to God.

God, please keep them safe and healthy. Please have their minds and bodies develop perfectly. Please show me how what to do and how to do it. Please lead me so I can lead them. Please let them feel your love growing in their hearts and surrounding them always.

Please and Thank you...isn't that what we teach our children? I often feel like this is what I am saying to God. Please and thank you in the same breath. That leads to my blessings of the week. I was thinking about choosing to give thanks to God and how for me there really are 2 ways I give thanks.

Because of and in spite of

Sometimes it's a thank you for the blessings of joy and wonder in my life. Other times it is in spite of the horror or sadness surrounding my life He is there, others hold us close or we see the beams of light in the darkness. Praise God we are never alone and no matter if it is sunshine or darkness He is there waiting and loving on us.

61. For the gift of Evalyn. Her sweet spirit, her strength and her simple joy. For the way my heart squeezes when I think of her.

62. For this suit and this snuggle.

63. For E bouncing and rolling all over the house. For "so big" and clapping. 

64. For personalized hairbows and a little girl to wear them.

65. For rollers and yellow jammies

66. For these smiles and how they love me back.

67. For my mom who helps without me having to ask and loves my kids from the depths of her heart.

68. For Beckham saying, "Evalyn, I like you!" Makes my mommy heart melt.

69. For delicate tulips with paper thin petals of pink. Simple, full of hope and a reminder that spring will come.

70. For the reminder at church on Sunday, God looks at our heart, it's always our heart he is after.